Federation pursuit ships have ambushed the Liberator.
Avon: Battle stations!
Sue: Their ship has a massive design flaw. They have to run across the flight deck to reach all the buttons they need to press. Why can’t Zen or Orac do that automatically? Avon nearly tripped over his own feet turning that force wall thingy on. At least he’s wearing a nice costume this week. It suits his personality, all those different shades of grey…
Me: STOP IT!
The pursuit ships keep coming.
Sue: They look like the X-Wings from Star Wars.
Me: No, they don’t.
Avon suggests that they escape through a mass of ionised particles.
Blake: Avon might be right. Tangent one eight. Go for it!
Sue: “Go for it!”? You’d never catch Jean-Luc Picard saying something like that. That’s funny.
The plan seems to work.
Jenna: We’ve outrun them.
Blake: Well done, Jenna.
Sue: Eh? What about Avon? It was his idea.
Vila slopes off for a nice glass of relaxant.
Sue: So Vila’s basically a morphine addict, now.
However, the pursuit ships are still on their tail.
Sue: What are Victoria Wood and a young Pat Butcher doing flying that ship? That’s a bit mental.
The pursuit ship’s commander is very pleased with his new detector shield.
Sue: Is he the new Travis?
Me: No, they haven’t recast Travis again. The second eye kinda gives it away.
Sue: I know that. I’m not stupid, you know. But since Travis turned out to be hopeless, have they got another henchman in to take over the role?
Me: It could be Travis’s two-eyed brother for all I know. I’ve never seen this episode before.
The pursuit ships prepare to engage the Liberator.
Commander: Attack in sections, Alpha section leads. Thirteen seconds between waves. Speed, time distort ten.
Sue: Time distort ten? They must be going faster than the speed of light, which means they would have to break the time barrier. That makes sense, I guess.
Sue has been watching the new series of Cosmos. Can you tell?
Avon: Zen, can we withstand an attack of this magnitude?
Zen: No information.
Avon: Thank you, that’s very helpful.
Sue: ASK ORAC!
The Liberator takes one hell of a beating.
Sue: So much for them having a shit-hot super-ship. For God’s sake, fight back! Fire a laser or something!
By some miracle, the Liberator manages to evade certain doom.
Commander: I thought we had them for sure.
Sue: Everyone except the script writer thought that, pet. I’m not impressed with Travis’s replacement. He’s just as hopeless as the other two.
Vila wants to know when Avon will fix the damaged detector shield.
Avon: Whenever we stumble across the parts I need.
Sue: They need a Space Halfords, or an intergalactic Quick-Fit. So is this is the plot for this episode, shopping for spare parts? I can’t wait.
Orac receives a message for Blake. It’s from Travis.
Travis: I am sending this from the planet Exbar. I have Ushton’s daughter. Her name is Inga, if you remember. Don’t worry, I won’t harm her. All I ask is come to Exbar and talk.
Travis offers to join forces with Blake.
Sue: Makes perfect sense to me.
Me: You actually trust him? But he’s a psychopath!
Sue: I know. He’d fit right in. I don’t trust him, though. He should join forces with Blake, but he won’t.
Travis: The girl is safe if you come to Exbar. Teleport at grid reference B W one three zero. If you do not come, the girl, regretfully, DIES!
Sue: I’m sorry, but his acting was atrocious there. So hammy. Maybe Travis is the sort of person who feels self-conscious when he leaves an answer phone message, so he over-compensates.
Blake and Avon discuss Travis’s motives.
Sue: I want to believe him, but Avon’s right, you’d have to be mad to trust Travis.
Me: Threatening to kill Blake’s cousin if he doesn’t make friends with him probably isn’t the best way to go about forging an alliance, either.
Sue: And why is Jenna drinking a glass of Lenor?
Meanwhile, Servalan is punishing an underling for yet another cock-up.
Servalan: Commander, I’m not interested in your excuses. You will surrender your ship and place yourself under close arrest.
Sue: She goes through henchmen like some women go through shoes.
Servalan knocks back a glass of green.
Sue: It’s all that Crème de menthe. She’s not thinking straight.
Servalan has a visitor. She welcomes him a beaming smile.
Sue: Her teeth are green! She should stick to gin.
Me: Do you recognise this guy?
I pause the DVD so Sue can get a good look at Kevin Stoney as Counsellor Joban.
Sue: He looks familiar…
Me: I’ve give you a clue: “Paaaaaacker!”
Sue: Oh yes, he’s very good. Does he become a regular character? That would be excellent.
Joban has some bad news for Servalan.
Joban: Some members of the council are concerned. Many of our citizens now know of Blake’s activities, and those of the renegade Travis.
Servalan: But there have been no public spacecasts on either Travis or Blake.
Joban: People talk, Servalan. There’s no way of stopping them.
Sue: Space Twitter is a bitch.
Joban makes a veiled threat: sort Blake and Travis out – or else.
Sue: I could watch these two all day. That was a great scene.
Blake prepares to teleport to Exbar. Avon warns him that he’ll leave him there if he gets into trouble.
Avon: You are still assuming that we will risk our lives for you.
Sue: Did Gan die for nothing? It’s sad, really.
Blake makes contact with his Uncle Ushton. Sue doesn’t recognise John Abineri as Hagar the Horrible, which will annoy Toby Hadoke if he’s reading this.
Sue: The director has a serious foot fetish.
It’s true. Vere Lorrimer lingers on Ushton’s limping leg for what feels like an eternity.
Sue: Why is it when they visit an alien planet, it always seems to be populated by two or three people. Where is everyone?
Back on the Liberator, Avon wants to teleport to Exbar.
Sue: (as Jenna) Let me finish this level of Candy Crush on my iPad, first.
Avon is down and safe.
Me: What do you think of their new silver spacesuits?
Sue: I’ve seen worse. However, if they stopped making new costumes every week, they could spend some of that money on sets and extras. Just a thought.
Ushton takes Blake to his cosy cave.
Sue: Ooh, that’s a lovely bit of wood. I’d love a table like that.
Travis has employed Crimos to do his dirty work for him.
Blake: Criminal psychopaths.
Sue: Aren’t Blake and his crew criminal psychopaths? Technically, I mean.
Me: It’s all a matter of perspective, I suppose.
Avon arrives on Exbar, but instead of making contact with Blake, he spies on him instead.
Sue: What is Avon playing at? Has he finally had enough, and he’s going to use this opportunity to get rid of Blake once and for all? Is that it?
Servalan is en route to Exbar…
Sue: At least she’s travelling First Class.
Servalan is in a hurry to get there.
Servalan: This is an emergency; time distort ten.
Sue: Are their spaceships powered by steam? Because it sounds like they’re boiling a kettle when they distort time.
Vila joins Avon on Exbar. Avon warns him that they can’t trust Blake’s uncle.
Avon: He had a limp. When he went back into the cave he didn’t have a limp.
Sue: It’s the plot that’s limp, love.
Vila is freezing to death.
Sue: Whatever happened to their Millets jackets, the ones with the fluffy hoods? Did the product placement deal expire or something?
Vila: I’m freezing!
Avon: Well, freeze in silence.
Sue: Isn’t that a song by Depeche Mode?
Me: No, Sue, it isn’t.
Blake struggles to reach the top of the mountain.
Sue: This is just like Kilimanjaro, isn’t it, Neil?
Me: If Kilimanjaro was a small hill, yes.
Blake is thrown down the mountain by a man in a gimp mask.
Sue: No, Blake, I am your father!
Me: So, you have a cousin!
Blake is hauled before Travis.
Travis: I am tired of being hunted by Servalan and the Federation.
Sue: It’s only been one episode!
Travis wants the Liberator.
Travis: It is the fastest, most powerful ship in existence.
Sue: I wouldn’t bank on that. They were almost blown up ten minutes ago.
Avon is captured in a large net.
Sue: Oh dear. That’s humiliating. If you have to stick someone in a net, it should be Vila. That way, at least it will be funny.
Travis backhands Blake.
Sue: He’s so over-the-top, it’s unbelievable. How anyone kept a straight face on the set is beyond me.
Travis interrogates Ushton.
Travis: Who is the weakest?
Travis has Blake’s cousin, Inga, tortured so he can extract the information he so desperately needs.
Sue: She’s basically a cut-price Leela, isn’t she.
Ushton finally capitulates.
Ushton: The one they call Vila.
Sue: And Travis couldn’t work that out for himself? It isn’t rocket science!
Vila is interrogated by Travis. He wants to know how the teleport bracelets work.
Travis: All you have to do is talk. Demonstrate. Tell us the word.
Vila: I’m saying nothing.
Travis aims his weaponised hand at Vila’s head.
Travis: For the last time. Tell us the word. The word. The word. THE WORD! THE WORD!
Sue: Grease! Grease is the word!
Sue: Pause the DVD!
Sue: Are you seriously telling me that they didn’t say the word ‘teleport’ when they were trying to get a teleport bracelet to work? That never crossed their minds? I thought they were supposed to be smart!
Me: They got hung up on the word ‘energise’.
Sue: So what’s next? Travis waterboards Vila so he can find out what the capital of France is? It isn’t rocket science!
A Crimo teleports to the Liberator , taking Jenna by surprise.
Sue: If that wasn’t bad enough, she’s got a really bad case of bed head.
Avon admits to Blake that he told Servalan where Travis was hiding.
Sue: What an idiot. That isn’t like Avon at all. Allan Prior doesn’t know how to write for Avon. That makes no sense at all.
Jenna and Cally overcome the Crimo by teleporting him into space.
Sue: They did that to Brian Blessed, once.
Me: Unless I’m very much mistaken, they just did it to him again. It’s the same effects shot.
Travis is told that Inga has escaped.
Travis: GET HER!
Sue: This has turned into a bloody pantomime. I can’t take him seriously.
Ushton kicks Travis down a small incline.
Sue: Brilliant. Now just shoot him in the head and put him out of his misery.
Ushton goes back for Blake and Avon, but when they return, Travis has gone.
Sue: The direction is very poor. I can’t follow this sequence at all. It’s a mess.
Blake, Avon and Ushton hurl some boulders at Travis.
Sue: And now it’s turned into The Goodies.
A fight kicks off.
Sue: Remind me, Neil, what do they pay Dudley Simpson for again?
The Crimos keep coming.
Sue: The director is losing light, and I’m losing the will to live.
A Crimo bounces down the mountainside.
Sue: It really is an episode of The Goodies!
Travis is eventually overpowered.
Avon: Why don’t we kill him while we still have the chance.
Blake: No. We’ll leave him for the Federation.
Sue: Oh, for ****’s sake! Not again! YOU IDIOTS!
All the Crimos are dead.
Sue: The director definitely has a foot fetish. And speaking of boots, I bloody love Avon’s.
Inga turns down Blake’s offer to spend the rest of her life as a wanted terrorist.
Inga: That storage room contains enough food to feed every starving mouth on this planet.
Sue: All three of them. It’s basically two tins of beans.
Inga is so grateful, she kisses Blake on the lips.
Sue: Steady on, Blake. I think that’s incest.
Travis meets up with Servalan.
Servalan: Has Blake gone?
Travis looks up at the Liberator.
Sue: The ship looks as if it’s hanging a few inches above his stupid head. The director should have been shot for that.
Jenna appears to be in a mood with Blake.
Sue: Seriously, Blake. Incest?
Sue: I blame the director for cocking that up.
Me: It was a Travisty.
Sue: It started well, but it fell apart as soon as they reached the planet. Avon was completely out of character, the plot was flimsy and tedious, the direction was a joke, and Travis is doing my head in. No, I didn’t enjoy that one very much.
Before we go, here’s a link to Part One of Kevin Jon Davies’ Making of Blake’s 7 documentary that never made it to DVD. Stephen Greif is in it.
Warning: Glen’s trailers may include minor spoilers for the next episode.