Shine like thunder, cry like rain…
This week’s mission seems straightforward enough: steal a thong from a Goth.
Jenna: Lurgen’s brain print is on a thong around a chief’s neck. That’s what Docholli said.
Sue: It could be a lot worse, the chief could be wearing his thong ‘you know where’.
This is all part of a much bigger mission to find and destroy Star One, although Avon is having second thoughts about the destroying it part.
Avon: Through Star One we could control everything. The Federation could belong to us.
Sue: They can barely run a space ship together so running a galaxy is probably beyond their capabilities. And think of all the hours they’d have to put in.
Blake, Jenna and Vila prepare to teleport to the planet Goth.
Cally: There are noxious gases. Anyone who lives above ground will die sooner or later from toxic lung infections.
Sue: Put some bloody helmets on then!
As soon as he arrives on the planet, Blake gulps down the air.
Sue: What is he playing at? Cally just told him that breathing the air will kill him. Blake’s definitely got a death wish.
The Goths emerge from their caves.
Sue: Oh no. I really hate medieval Sci-Fi. It really gets on my tits.
Me: You were a Goth once, weren’t you?
Sue: I was into The Sisters of Mercy for a couple of months in the early eighties, yes.
Back on the Liberator, Avon believes that he’s spotted Travis’ pursuit ship.
Avon: This is our chance to finish off Travis. He is at our mercy.
Sue: Yeah, cos you’ve never an opportunity to kill him before, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance because that would be stupid.
When Cally tries to persuade Avon to leave Travis well alone, he barks the co-ordinates of the Federation ship back at her.
Sue: Someone got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning. At least the director knows what a focus pull is. That gives me some hope for this episode.
Blake’s team are set upon by Goths.
Sue: Are you sure they’re Goths? They look like ZZ Top fans to me.
Me: They’re based on the Visigoths.
Sue: So they’re Goths from the planet Goth who just happen to look like Goths. Bit of a coincidence, don’t you think?
Vila almost avoids capture, but a rogue sneeze gives him away. Sue does her best impression of a parping trombone as the loveable thief falls into the Goths’ hands.
Sue: It’s like Game of Thrones but with fewer weddings.
Forget about that. Avon is about to kill Travis. Oh yes he is!
Avon: Goodbye, Travis.
Avon presses a button and the Federation ship explodes.
Sue: Yeah, right. Avon couldn’t even be bothered to check whether Travis was on the ship or not. For all he knows, a Space Vampire could have been flying that space ship. Don’t get me wrong, I want Travis to be dead just as much as the next person, but he isn’t.
When Avon returns for his comrades, Blake teleports back to the ship alone.
Blake: Where the hell were you?
Avon: We just got Travis for you.
Sue: (as Blake) But I loved Travis! I won’t be able to live without him following me around the galaxy in those tight leather trousers of his. Noooooo!
Me: Please, stop it.
On the planet Goth, a shouty chief named Gola is entertained by his fool.
Sue: Nice yurt.
The chief is joined by a familiar face.
Sue: Oh look, it’s Travis. What a surprise. It was so obvious that Travis wasn’t dead, the director didn’t even bother to surprise us. Travis simply strolled into the wide shot. He didn’t even get a close-up, that’s how shocking this is.
Gola has the hots for Jenna.
Gola: A beautiful woman. Indeed she is so.
Sue: Pervy git.
Meanwhile, in another yurt somewhere on Goth…
Sue: Right, so Servalan and Travis are at it again. One minute she wants to blow his arm off, the next minute she wants to blow –
Me: Stop it.
Travis attempts to contact his pursuit ship with the galaxy’s largest mobile phone.
Sue: I bet he can’t get Candy Crush Saga on that.
Travis has his sights firmly fixed on Star One.
Travis: Star One is the computer control center. It controls the climate on more than two hundred worlds. Communications, security, food production – it controls them all. It is the key to our very lives.
Sue: Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. The Federation aren’t very bright, are they.
And then Sue makes a startling assessment:
Sue: When you think about it, Avon and Travis aren’t that different from one another. They both want the same thing at the end of the day. Actually, I think Avon and Servalan would make a great team. I could see them ruling the universe together. Yes, maybe they will team up and Blake will have to stop them. That’s what I’d do if I was in charge of Blake’s 7: I’d replace Travis with Avon. Simple.
Back on the Liberator, Zen detects a Federation ship leaving Goth.
Avon: That must be Servalan.
Sue: Avon is bloody useless when it comes to the ‘guess who’s flying the ship’ game.
Avon tells Cally to intercept the ship, thereby repeating the same mistake he made just a few minutes ago.
Sue: He really doesn’t give a shit about Blake.
Back on Goth, Blake rescues a rival chieftain from certain death.
Sue: Bloody hell! Blake did something vaguely heroic for a change.
Rod: My name is Rod. Greetings.
Sue: A Goth named Rodney! I’ve seen everything now.
Gola attempts to impress Jenna with his warrior ways.
Gola: The Federation means nothing to me. I live as my ancestors have lived. We are a warrior people! We fight to live and we live to fight!
Sue: Does this guy get all the jobs that Brian Blessed turns down?
I’m sorry to report that Sue cheered when Gola slapped Vila across the face.
Sue: You made me dress as this jester, once.
Sue: You must remember. Marco Polo.
Me: Oh God, yes. The time I made you cosplay as Tutte Lemkow. You’ll never let me forget that, will you. I said I was sorry. Anyway, that isn’t Tutte Lemkow; he just looks like him.
Sue: Well, just so you know, I’m not dressing up as him as well.
Me: What about Jenna?
Sue: Don’t push it.
Jenna spends some quality time with Gola’s sister, Tara.
Sue: At least Jenna got off the ship for a few hours. True, she’s about to be raped, but at least she got some fresh air. Actually, on second thoughts, she didn’t even get that. Poor Jenna.
Tara: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ETC.
Sue: I’ll have what she’s having.
Gola wants to pair-bond so Jenna lunges for his thong.
Sue: Just get him drunk, pinch his thong, and then teleport out of there – job’s a good ‘un. But I’d get a move on if I were you; you don’t want to end up with the wrong thong.
Down in the cells, Blake makes contact with a hysterical old man.
Sue: It’s… It’s… It’s Monty Python!
Meanwhile, Servalan threatens Gola with the full might of the Federation while Jenna and Vila watch from the sidelines.
Sue: Servalan didn’t say hello to two of her greatest enemies. Either we’ve missed an important scene or the writer doesn’t give a shit about these characters.
The fool drops Vila in the shit and the poor sod is dragged off to the cells.
Sue: His screams should be getting quieter as he leaves the set but they’re getting louder and louder. He’s just standing behind that flat, shouting. He’s giving me a headache.
Blake finds Vila behind bars.
Blake: Is Jenna all right?
Vila: She’s pair-bonding with the chief.
Could it be that Jenna is falling for Gola’s charms?
Sue: She’s faking it. And it isn’t the only thing she’ll be faking tonight if this goes the way I think it’s going.
Gola’s sister delights in telling her brother that he’s destined to die.
Sue: She’s the best thing in this story by a mile.
Vila is released from the cells and told to act the fool.
Sue: Vila’s found his true vocation in life. It’s as if this episode was made for him. Actually, do you know what this episode really needs?
Me: Tell me.
Sue: More Avon. Where the hell is he?
Rod and Gola fight to the death with spiky things on their hands.
Sue: So you don’t have to stab anyone with that thing, you just point it at the other person and scream. Is that how it works? Because if it doesn’t work like that, this fight is a bit shit.
Derek Martinus’ hand-held camera work is singled out for praise, but this doesn’t last very long.
Sue: The director is giving it a bloody good go, but the stunt choreography is a bit shit. And when did Blake decide to walk around with a dead fox draped over his shoulder? What’s that all about?
Gola wins the battle but he loses the war. His victory chalice is poisoned and he falls to the floor.
Sue: Why is Jenna upset that the man who was about to rape her has dropped dead? I thought she’d be relieved. That’s very weird.
When Blake and Jenna discover that neither Rodney nor Gola are the eponymous Keeper, Tara says it’s probably their dad who’s been banged up in the cells below.
Tara: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ETC.
Sue: The vapours must be their version of laughing gas.
Blake reaches the old man, but it’s too late: Travis did a runner with Star One’s co-ordinates ages ago.
Sue: Travis outplayed them all. And Travis is shit, so what does that make Blake?
The old man is on death’s door.
Sue: That guy has been down there for years. If he dies the same day that Blake needs to speak to him, I won’t be very happy.
The old man dies.
Sue: He was perfectly fine five minutes ago! That’s lazy scriptwriting. They didn’t even shoot him first.
However, all is not lost because Lurgen implanted Star One’s co-ordinates in the fool’s brain.
Fool: The location of Star One is at grid reference C one-seven-three-two-zero in the eleventh sector…
Blake: The fool to keep a secret that Lurgen never wanted in the first place.
Sue: But why he would give him this big secret if he didn’t want anybody to know about it? That’s just asking for trouble. I’m not convinced. It was just a way to string out another bloody episode.
Blake and the gang return to the Liberator with their prize.
Sue: Quick! Write it down before you forget it.
Avon: Another few seconds and I would have left you, Blake.
Sue: I’m surprised Blake didn’t punch his lights out after everything Avon’s done today. Naughty Avon.
Jenna: And on, with luck, to Star One.
Sue: What’s the next episode called, Neil?
Me: Star One, love.
Sue: Thank **** for that.
Sue: It was all right, I suppose. Nothing much happened. Avon was hardly in it again. Blake was bloody useless again. They mentioned Star One a lot again. Do you want me to go on?
Me: Not really.
Sue: OK, so the old woman made me laugh, the direction was a little better than usual, Jenna got to leave the ship for a quick flirt, and Travis wasn’t in it long enough to annoy me. But at the end of the day, that episode was just more filler. I can’t wait for Star One. Can we watch it now, please?
Warning: Glen’s trailer DEFINITELY includes spoilers for the next episode. Please proceed with caution.
The next update will be published on Wednesday. Thanks.