Crimes against television…
Sue: No Terry Nation this time. That’s a shame.
Me: Are you feeling all right?
Sue: Oh look, it’s Servalan’s house.
The Supreme Commander’s space station is very busy today.
Me: Do you remember them?
I’m pointing at Bercol and Rotane, who we last saw in Seek – Locate – Destroy.
Sue: Vaguely. They’re the bad guys, I think. I definitely recognise this guard, though. What have I seen him in before?
Me: The Bill. It’s Tosh Lines.
Sue: So it is. He’s very good. I like the way we’re getting a different perspective on things with these two guards. I hope they stick with that. It’s different.
Me: I say, I say, do you recognise this guy?
I’m pointing at John Savident.
Sue: I feel like I’m attending a police identity parade. Yes, he’s famous. Just don’t ask me what’s he’s been in. I haven’t got a clue.
Sue is more Walford than Weatherfield, although having said that, she doesn’t remember Brian Croucher as Ted Hills in EastEnders, either. It must be the eyepatch.
A trial is about to take place.
Sue: Are they going to charge Travis with incompetence, because he lets Blake escape ALL THE TIME?
Servalan briefs a woman named Thania.
Sue: Servalan is looking very beautiful today. I’ve noticed that Federation women are very androgynous. Maybe these two are lesbian lovers and…
I can’t bring myself to type the rest.
Sue: The courtroom set is nice. The costumes are very striking, too. They’ve spent some money on this one.
Travis is charged with the murder of over one thousand unarmed civilians. The defence requests that the names of all the victims be read out in court.
Samor: Do you realize how long that will take, Major?
Sue: Oh no. This is going to be a fun episode.
Travis doesn’t bat an eyelid.
Sue: He looks like he’s going to have a power nap. I think I might join him.
Meanwhile, on the Liberator, Blake is knocking back the crème de menthe and bickering with Avon.
Sue: Is Blake still in charge? Has Avon taken over the ship yet?
Blake wants to teleport to an uninhabited planet for some serious me-time.
Avon: One of your followers – one of your three remaining followers – might have to risk his neck to rescue you.
Sue: So we’re back to Blake’s 3 again? Brilliant.
When Blake gently places his hand on Avon’s shoulder, Sue starts shipping.
Sue: Get a room.
Me: Get a Livejournal account.
Zen: Status is firm.
Sue: Yeah, I bet it is.
Jenna enters the flight deck in a pair of tight leather trousers.
Sue: Blake’s 7 caters for just about everyone when it comes to bums in tight leather. However, if Vila starts wearing PVC, I’m out of here.
The crew on the flight deck can hear Blake chatting to Cally in the teleport room.
Sue: Why do they have a baby monitor on the ship?
Blake teleports down to the planet.
Sue: Is this really the best time to go camping, Blake? And what’s in your man bag? A packed lunch? What the hell is going on, Neil?
Back on Servalan’s space station, Rontane and Bercol discuss the Supreme Commander’s plan to have Travis executed so he can’t testify against her at an inquiry that’s been set up to investigate the Blake affair.
Bercol: A Presidential stay of execution so that Travers can give evidence?
Sue: Travers? Who the **** is Travers?
Bercol: Servalan picked Travers.
Sue: He said it again! First they can’t get his face right, and now they can’t get his name right.
Rotane: Servalan’s ambitions threaten us all. And the President particularly dislikes being threatened.
Sue: Are they the President’s men?
Sue: What, all of them?
Me: That’s probably the worst joke you’ve ever made.
Sue: I’m sorry. I’m bored. When does this episode get going?
Blake has teleported to some undisclosed coordinates, which puzzles the Liberator‘s crew.
Vila: I wish Gan was here.
Avon: Oh, yes, of course. He would be able to work out exactly what was going on.
Sue: (laughing) That’s cruel. Gan’s corpse isn’t even cold yet. Funny, though.
Blake has left a message for his crew. In short, he’s given them an opportunity to abandon him on an alien planet if they really want to.
Sue: Blake is a terrible captain. He should hold regular team meetings for a start. He has to stop all this going behind their backs nonsense. He’ll never earn their trust that way. And he’s a coward, too. He should have had this conversation ON THE SHIP!
Blake’s self-imposed exile begins with him being squirted in the face. Yes, really.
Sue: Is he on Candid Camera?
Or Game For a Laugh if you’re under the age of 40.
Sue: Is a plant is pissing in his face?
Blake notices a strange creature hiding in the undergrowth.
Sue: What the hell was THAT? That was bloody weird.
Meanwhile, Travis is relaxing in his cell when Trooper Par (try saying that quickly) arrives bearing gifts.
Sue: Why has he brought Travis some Hugo Boss aftershave? Is he trying to tell him something?
Par has a soft spot for Travis.
Par: You could always rely on him not to get you killed unnecessarily.
Sue: Unlike some people I could mention. Oh look, here he is now.
Blake is pursuing the strange creature through a jungle.
Sue: This is beginning to get on my tits, Neil.
The creature unnerves Sue.
Sue: What the hell is this? It’s a cross between Gollum, a chicken and a lizard. What a mess. This had better not be Gan’s replacement.
Meanwhile, on the Liberator…
Sue: THERE ARE TOO MANY PLOTS! This episode is jumping all over the place. Pick a story and tell it.
Me: Which of the three plots would you like to get rid of?
Sue: All of them.
The creature known as Zil educates Blake about the ways of the world.
Zil: Everything lives. The Host lives. To live is not enough for Blake and Zil. Blake and Zil woke.
Sue: I really can’t be arsed with this, Neil. This is dreadful.
Zil offers Blake something to eat.
Blake: What is it?
Sue: Lice? No thanks!
Me: Not lice. Life.
Sue: I can’t understand a word she’s saying. It’s nonsense.
Zil becomes more and more distressed.
Sue: It’s Lady Ga Ga on a bad night out.
Meanwhile, Avon has come up with a plan to save Blake from being eaten alive by the planet he accidentally went camping on, but can Cally pull it off?
Avon: It will be up to you to hit the main switch and complete the process. You’ll have to concentrate. He’ll appear and disappear in one short flash.
Cally: And if I miss it?
Avon: He’s gone for good.
Sue: Look at Avon’s smile. He’s almost daring Cally to miss Blake on purpose. That way they could all **** off and become millionaires.
Zil is eaten by the planet.
Sue: Who cares? This is ****ing dreadful. I’ve lost my patience with this.
Cally successfully teleports Blake back to the ship.
Sue: So what did that solve, exactly? It’s just proved once again that Blake is a hopeless, selfish leader. I don’t understand why Avon didn’t let the idiot die. He should demote him at the very least.
Back on the space station, Travis and Thania are arguing over who gets to make the opening declaration.
Sue: You know, it’s hard to take someone who looks like Alvin Stardust seriously.
Blake calls a team meeting.
Sue: Maybe he learned a valuable lesson, after all.
Blake’s plan is very simple:
Blake: A high-speed attack. A single strike run. We’ll be on them before they know and away before they can respond.
Blake: Servalan’s headquarters.
Sue: My mistake. He’s learned nowt. So who’s he going to get killed this week?
Travis addresses the courtroom with a damning defence of his actions.
Sue: Come on! Love-a-me too. Won’t you be my Coo Ca Choo?
Sue: It’s his black leather glove that does it.
Travis starts yelling and screaming.
Sue: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Meanwhile, Federation ships are approaching the Liberator.
Sue: Here we go. Finally, some action.
But the ships sail right past them, thanks to a detector shield invented by Avon.
Sue: That pretty much sums up this episode. Nothing is happening. Nothing at all.
Vila: They missed us! Avon’s gadget works!
Avon: It just occurred to me, that as the description of a highly sophisticated technological achievement, “Avon’s gadget works” seems to lack a certain style.
Sue turns to me and frowns.
Sue: Even Avon can’t save this episode. Come back Terry Nation, all is forgiven.
Servalan wants Travis dead.
Servalan: It really is a pity he’s got to die. He’s so much better than anything I’ve got left.
Sue: Why don’t they just make a deal? They are obviously lovers, so why don’t they just cover each other’s backs and get each other off.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Sue: The charges, you idiot. And then they can have sex together.
Travis is sentenced to death.
Sue: I don’t believe this. Blake is going to save Travis’s life, isn’t he? The idiot!
Travis: The Federation is run by hypocrites and supported by fools. I’m glad to be rid of you all.
Sue: Travis would be a good replacement for Gan. In fact, I’m even more convinced that will happen. Blake’s got to get his numbers back up.
The Liberator fires on the space station, hitting the courtroom, but Travis jumps through a closing door just in time to escape the cold vacuum of space.
Sue: Wow. His jumping is almost as subtle as his acting.
Blake tells Zen to get them the hell out of there.
Sue: What? WAIT! Come back and finish them off! Two more shots and they’ll all be dead. What are you doing?
Travis makes his way to Servalan’s office.
Sue: It’s all kicking off, now. Better late than never, I suppose.
Servalan allows Travis to continue his pursuit of Blake as an outlaw.
Sue: What a load of shit. They could have set that up in the first ten minutes. What a waste of an episode.
Back on the Liberator, Blake and Avon are talking about Zil.
Avon: I would quite like to have met this Zil of yours. It’s not often that one comes across a philosophical flea.
Sue: I told you it was lice.
Blake and Avon laugh their heads off.
Sue sticks her fingers down her throat and retches.
Sue: I hated that episode.
Me: 1 out of 10? Are you on crack?
Sue: It was rubbish! Don’t tell me that you actually liked it, Neil.
Me: The bits with Travis were all right.
Sue: Are you on crack?
Me: Seriously, though. 1 out of 10? Really?
Sue: It irritated me. Blake didn’t learn a damn thing and this version of Travis is a complete joke. Even Avon bored me to tears. And as for all that crap with Lady Ga Ga? Forget it. I’ll give it a point for the costumes and the courtroom, and that’s it.
Me: Are you sure you’re feeling OK?
Here’s a picture of a kitten to take your mind off Sue’s score:
Warning: Glen’s trailer includes minor spoilers for the next episode.